What runs around the field but never moves?

A fence

How do players stay cool during games?

They stand near the fans

Why did the ball quit the team?

It was tired of being kicked around

What is it called when a dinosaur gets a goal?

A dino-score

Why can't Cinderella play soccer?

Because she always runs away from the ball

What is a ghosts favorite soccer position?

Ghoul keeper

On average, soccer players run as far as 9.5 miles in a single match

A 20-month-old baby became the youngest professional soccer player ever, after being signed up by a Belgian club

More than 1 in 20 soccer injuries are caused by celebrating goals on the pitch

All "football" sports are so called not because the players have to kick the ball, but because they were played on foot by the peasantry, rather than on horseback, like all "proper" aristocrat sports.

Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho first gained media attention when he was just 13 after his team won a game 23-0. He scored every single goal in the game.

Norway is the only national football team in the world that has never lost to Brazil. (2 wins and 2 draws).

Greenland can't join FIFA because not enough grass grows there for a soccer field.

The word "soccer" was first used in England before the USA adopted it.

Why do artists never when they play football?

They keep drawing!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?

Bring on their subs!

What part of a football ground is never the same?

The changing rooms!

What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?

Fiver side!

The 1863 football rules state that side must change ends after every goal scored. Apparently no kicking, hacking or holding was allowed either.

The first FA cup final was in 1872. However referees did not use whistles until 1878. Imagine an FA cup final where the ref doesn’t have a whistle. Oi, stop the game!

Brazils first ever competitive game was against Exeter City on the 27th July 1914 at the Laranjeiras Stadium, Rio de Janeiro, home of Fluminense FC

Five a side football first participated in the Paralympics in 1986. Recently, Brazil won a gold metal in the 2012 Summer Paralympics.

With the exception of 1896 and 1932, men's football has competed in every summer Olympics. Women's football was added in 1996.

The first televised football match featured Arsenal vs. Arsenal Reserves.

An English Manager has never won the Premier League.

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?

The bored room!

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?

So that they can pack the defence!

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?

They might be cheetahs!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?

The tend to go cheep

Which insect didn't play well in goal?

The fumble bee

Which football team loves ice-cream?

Aston Vanilla

Why are football players never asked for dinner?

Because they’re always dribbling!

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?

Both do hat tricks!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?

Paul gas coin!

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?

Somebody took a corner!

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?

Cold Trafford!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?

Because there is no atmosphere!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?

The scenter spot!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?

Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

Why did the soccer player hold his boot to his ear?

Because he liked sole music

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?

They prefer cricket matches!

How do hens encourage their football teams?

They egg them on!

In 2002, Germany's Oliver Kahn became the first goalkeeper to win the Most Valuable Player of the World Cup.

Football was first played in London's Newgate Prison. Here the prisoners whose hands had been mercilessly chopped off, invented a game where the ball could only be kicked with their feet.

Today most of the balls are made from layers of synthetic leather while the bladders inside the ball are made from latex or butyl.

Women started playing soccer around the same time as men did in England. However, originally men were the main players in the game. Women's soccer began to become extremely popular in the 90s.

Records show that Ancient Greeks and Romans played many ball games, some of which involved the use of the feet.

Sports clubs dedicated to playing football began in the 18th century.

What did the bumble bee striker say?

Hive scored!

What lights up a football stadium?

A football match!

Where do footballers dance?

At a football!

What's a footballers favourite drink?

Penaltea!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?

Because he liked sole music!

Did you know that footballers run an average of 6 miles during a match.

Did you know the biggest ever football crowd was made up of 199,954 people at the 1950 World Cup final between Brazil and Uruguay

Why did the footballer become a magician?

Because he was always doing hat tricks!

What do you get if you cross a magician with a snake?

An abra-da-cobra

Did you know, there were so many vicious fouls and fights that broke out during the 1962 World Cup match between Chile and Italy that it became known as the "Battle of Santiago"

Where do spiders play football?

Webley!

Why did the footballer never get married?

Because his girlfriend was out of his league!

What did the big telephone say to the little telephone?

You're too young to be engaged!

The biggest football ever made from artificial leather was made in Mexico in 2006 and was 8 metres wide!

Why did the chicken get a red card?

What did the bumble bee say in the football match?

Did you know - Records show that the Ancient Greeks and Romans played early versions of football?

Why did the knight run about looking for a tin opener?

He had a bee in his suit of armour!

Did you know that on 18th January 1961 the football's maximum wage (then £20) was abolished?

What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?

A mutt in a rut!

What happens to footballers when they get older?

They go balled!

Did you know - the World Cup was cancelled on two occasions. Once in 1942 and again in 1946 - both because of World War 2

What position does your brother play in the school football team?

Did you know- the highest number of goals in a football game was 149-0! It was an act of protest and the players purposefully scored the goals into their own net!

What is a dog's favourite city?

New Yorkie!

What does a football team do if their pitch is flooded?

Bring on their subs

Did you know- the Chile under-20 squad were fined in 2002... for laughing too much!

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?

"This one will sleigh you!"

Did you know- soccer was considered an illegal sport in Mississippi until 1991.

What song do monkeys sing at Christmas?

Jungle bells jungle bells

Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?

Because Frost bites.

Did you know- in Greenland, due to climate, they are unable to support any grass pitches, therefore all matches are played on artificial turf.

Did you know- footballs may appear to be a sphere, but this is an illusion caused by the pattern- they are actually slightly oval in shape!

What boat can carry twenty football teams?

The Premier-ship

What is a footballer's favourite drink?

Penal-tea

Did you know- football is only called 'soccer' in America and Canada.

Why was the footballer arrested?

Because he kept shooting at the goal!

Did you know - the first ever women's World Cup was held in 1991 in China, and was won by the United States.

What lights up a football stadium?

A football match!

Did you know- footballers run an average of 6 miles during every game!

What is green and fluffy?

A seasick poodle

What does a witch get if she is a poor traveller?

Broom-sick

Did you know- football goalies didn't have to wear different coloured shirts from their teammates until 1913.

What position does a ghost play on a football team?

The ghoul keeper

What sort of music do mummies like to listen to?

Wrap music!

Did you know- football is the most played and most watched sport on earth!

What did the mummy always pack for lunch?

A wrap!

Did you know- at only 17, Brazilian football player Pele was the youngest player ever to score at the World Cup, in 1958 in Sweden.

Knock Knock

Ya

I didn't know your were a cowboy!

Why isn't Cinderella very good at football?

She keeps running away from the ball!

Did you know- the fastest goal in a football match was scored by Marc Burrows in 2004 at 2.5 seconds into a match. He was playing for Cowes Sports reserves against Eastleigh reserves.

How do snakes sign their letters?

With love and hisses

What goes 'moorb, moorb'?

A witch going backwards on a broomstick

Did you know- the most goals scored by one football player in an international football match is 13, scored by Australian Archie Thompson in a 2002 World Cup qualifier against American Samoa.

How did the polite dragon get his fingers burnt?

He covered his mouth when he sneezed.

Knock Knock

Doctor

Did you know- football is thought to have been invented in China. Originally called 'cuju', there are records of it being played as early as 476BC.

What goes 99 clonk, 99 clonk, 99 clonk?

A centipede with a wooden leg

My computer's got a Bad-Goalie Virus... it won't save anything!

Did you know- in 1966 the original Jules Rimet World Cup trophy was stolen from an exhibition in London. It was found a week later by a small dog called Pickles, whilst being walked by his owner!

How many people can you get into an empty football stadium?

One- it's no longer empty after that!

Why was the small ghost asked to join the football team?

They needed a little team spirit.